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Sun, 29th Nov. 2009, 23:50
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Tue, 25th Aug. 2009, 10:19
An update from Dougie....

I've had a very busy week last week, it's been all go so here's roughly what I've been up to, while I am shackled to the phone while dealing with someone from our web filtering software provider. A rather frustrating experience and one that I hope ends as quickly as possible. Thank fuck I nicked a head set, I've been on the phoen for 30 mins already... an hour and half has not been an uncommon length of time on the phone to these people!

Anyway that's rubbish, I'm not.

It's been a fun week what with numerous trips to the lovely Kabarett and last week's overdose of Kunt and the Gang and took a couple of half days off and a full day, due to feeling horribly stressed out, and spent a lot of time hanging about with Kunt and Lil which was a good laugh, resulting in some horrendous images. It also allowed me to see one of the worst acts on the fringe, an old woman doing a spoken word show called Shush! Which was her banging on about being a lesbian and her cats spraying on things, she read a crap story out of her self published book about going to see Pride and Prejudice at cinema, and her friend thinking it was crap. "M&Ms went all over the floor and the row in front". It was hilariously bad. Only 4 people had turned up to see her.

Also Saturday got to see Amanda Palmer, which was ace, saw the Neil Gaiman, and saw her standing outside on a bin, playing a cover Science Fiction/Double Feature on the Ukulele to the crowd queuing for her gig.

The following probably best sums up this week.

Tue, 11th Aug. 2009, 18:56
So what's been going on?

Life generally, I've been keeping myself amused and mainly out of trouble. Drawing a cock and balls on a Jimmy Carr poster counts as mainly keeping out of trouble. I think?

I met Richard Herring on the way home last night and complimented his Hitler 'tash he has for his show and was informed I had an impressive beard.
It looks a bit bushier than this, I am going to grow this until I also have a completely ridiculous 'tash.

I avoided this year's BBQ by going to see Simon Donaldson with Scott and Donna, which in the words of Nathan can be described as "quite good". Looking forward to going to Kabaratt Kleine Komedie as well as seeing Kunt and the Gang a good few times over the next couple of weeks. And going to see Hitler Moustache as well obviously.

I feel like I've done a lot, but not much of it is really worth writing about. Ah, isn't life fun?

Tue, 11th Aug. 2009, 18:50
Best of Dougie's LJ Vol 1

For anyone who didn't see it on Facebook.

The best of Dougie Vol1

Blogs are both a blessing and a curse. Mine for examples has a few private entries that are good snapshots of some events for me personally but sod all use to anyone else, the rest of it is whinging and moaning and a load of bollocks. However I sifted through all shit and here is a load of random bits that amuse me that lifted from 2003-2005. I won't know if this will work or not, but here goes...

Hmm... I seem to tolerate fools better these days, back then I could be quite the angry young man who hated anyone trying to get the better of him. Also to be fair, I was married to a harpy, drowning in debt, stressed to buggery, working ridiculous amounts of extra shifts in old job, in addition to the 9-5 in my normal job to keep debt getting any worse, and unsurprisingly deeply unhappy, which probably explains quite a lot.

The first applies to Hodge, his birthday is actually this Thursday when he's however old he is. This is from a good few years back

"Not got much to say today... other than I was winding up my old flatmate (28 today), telling him he could have fathered a child half his current age. Well he did keep going on about being 28 all the time like it was some kind of tragedy."


Tech Support, don't you know I fix the Internet with a spanner.

Him: Have you fixed the internet yet?
Me: Have I fixed the internet?
Him: Yes the internet is it fixed yet?
Me: The internet's broken?!?!?!
Him: Yes, you guys were working on it?


When Sir Ian McKellen was lobbying then Home Secretary Michael Howard about the controversial Section 28, which forbids the promotion of homosexuality in schools, Mr Howard asked for the actor's autograph for his children. With a smile on his face, but with his lobbying having failed, McKellen says he wrote :"F*** off, I'm gay."


Surreal quote of the week: You are the human equivalent of polystyrene.
(I'm still not quite sure what I meant by this)


"Nu Metallers" are the kind of people (are they even human?) who think that Nirvana are Gods and wish that Kurtains Cocaine was still alive so that he could "do" them with a strap on.


24th Jan 2004 @ 21:23
"For a split second at this time I was in control of everything, I understood everything."


Norman Tebbitt is proving he's as senile as ever by announcing that... "Labour's promotion of buggery was 'initmately connected' to the increasing number of overweight people.


2004 Work BBQ
Spent the evening winding up the helpcentre manager. It's amazing how offended people get if you refer to a child as a small lump of meat with arms and legs. In case you're wondering this phrase was derived from a conversation about cannibals, it's not like I suggested sticking the child on the barbeque or anything. Hmmm, no matter how I write that down it is always going to come across wrong.

Got told by my boss to be careful as apparently he thought I was insulting the helpcentre manager's family... erm no... it was a generalisation about all small children. Now I'm pondering if I should take advice from a Bonnie Tyler fan.


Had a little accident, I have Y! Messenger installed at work as it's a handy way to chat to Neil and avoid doing work. Although I ended up embarassing him during a presentation bycausing a window with "You am a plank." to appear. Ooopsies!


I'm not even, going to try
Auntie Mabel Remix: http://www.doremi.co.uk/dd/mp3/david_devant_and_his_spirit_wife__auntie_mabel.mp3


There must be something in the tone of my voice that makes people believe that everything I say is true. Last night I was doing an extra shift in the helpcentre some mentioned he of high pitched 'Walking in the Air'/'The Snowman' fame, Aled Jones. I said he'd had his balls cut off and got several serious replies of "Really?". How gullible are people?


Today started badly when I snapped at a mong who resembles an Oxo cube
(I have no idea who this was referring to, nor can I think of anyone who resembles one)


As revenge for the bin incident. I put the rest of his pack of cigarettes in a sealed freezer bag, in a tupperware box full of water and stuck it in the freezer. I'm thinking of moving the block of ice into a bigger box of water when I get home :)


Names for the ex-wife's best friend, both startlingly accurate...
binty boob job


On buying Christmas presents:
If you can't think what people would like, staple gun them to the wall, you know you want to.


As the heart catches up with the mind.
Me: Why does doing the right thing have to make me feel like a complete bastard?
Brian: Because life is like that. If your heart is telling you something, listen to it.


And from all around the sound of a scream could be heard, it was only a single word, and it didn't cause the end of the world. That word was SAUSAGE!


Tonight Space Pope dubbed me papil delegate to Alpha Centauri.


This clearly shows I am better than Jesus, who needs fish and loaves when you've got multiplying sausages in your fridge?


What do you call a car with a toilet? A Car-zi


I don't care if you ARE Jesus, you still stole my trombone.


In the conversation leading up to this, an ex-colleague had a go at me, for my sense of humour, it wasn't my fault he didn't like puns. He was also a tosser

Crazy Legs: "Dougie? How many people have told you're not funny?"
Me: Less than the number of people who've asked why you are a complete cunt?"
*awkward silence*
Crazy Legs: "Did you know Dalgety Bay has an 01383 code?"


Grum also came up with a cracking suggestion to get Janno (my ex-brother in law) to leave
"I'll come round your house and I'll stick my cock in his ear while he's sleeping." Giving a whole new meaning to 'Glue Ear'.


My favourite weird dream
I've had the most bizarre dream the other night, it kept switching between being first and third person. Imagine ending up being in a microcosm that was a very bizarre game of Cluedo and if someone threw the dice, two giant dice would fallout out the ceiling and bounces next to me.


For some odd reason everyone's mum seems to like me


Q. Did you hear the one about the ned who got caught in the combine harvester?
A. The farmer had to sort out the wheat from the chav.


When you don't know the answers in a pub quiz, you put down comedy answers...
Q. What are the first names of Stock, Aitken & Waterman?
A. Beef, Jonathan and Dennis obviously.


In other news, I forgot to mention I saw sprayed on a railway bridge just before passing through New Barnet station during my trip down south I saw the legend "M.Khan is bent", I don't believe it's the original that the Mary Whitehouse Experience where talking about, but it did make me laugh.


Windows XP has a regional and language setting for Welsh. This has amused me childishly no end.


Bonus points if anyone can guess which particular act I'm talking about.
The same noise looping with a bloke making noise with a scaffolding pipe every so often, just wasn't doing anything for me.


I saw an Ice Cream van go past us in Dunfermline last night, on the back it said..."Jacko's Ices - Mind That Child." I wish I could have got a photo of it.

Fri, 31st Jul. 2009, 18:56
The Best/Worst/Strangest of Dougie... part 1 in a recycling of LJ

For anyone not being excited or tormented by me Facebook(Dougie Birrell if you're bored) - here's what I posted.

"Dougie Birrell has been time traveling via his LiveJournal, starting back in 2003, when I seem to have missed detail out of most entries as I was worried someone would read them and I'd feel hideously embarassed. What a fucking tool I was. And the entry in the comment attached... what the fuck was I on?"

23rd July 2003
Here is the news...
In the future someone who is happy and content with their collection of chocolate eclairs will be losing friend through the fault of a woman. The period of adjustment will be one of great stress where you work hard and struggle to scrape a living selling moss to children in the street who will laugh at your peculiar smell.

The secret society will directing bad luck towards someone else and sending them marbles through the post in a bid to help them find love with someone who is entirely unsuitable and selfish and works in a research lab trying to discover a new way to cook vegans.. This means that all games of Monopoly will be restarted on Tuesday.

Someone's mother will die soon, this will cause many an argument. Time feed her drugs and get her to change her will before the rest of the "competitors" try to beat you to it. If you fail to do so a giraffe will eat your clothes and molest your dinner with a small pygmy named 'Giles'.

A sleepy village in the provinces will throw you the opportunity to take a step and change something your life (and It's not your god awful hairstyle.)It'll be hard work but your reward should be great, like a car smashing through the front wall of your house.

A sudden idea someone has will be beneficial Dotcom is gonna be big again in a few months so get buying those shares now. At the same time your big idea will be starting a company that sells flaired trousers as you'll want your own company when dotcom escapes the dotbomb tag.
Current Mood: Unhinged
Current Music: The Abandoned Brain - Robyn Hitchcock

Tue, 28th Jul. 2009, 23:10
I've just realised I haven't updated this in ages...

I read LJ daily, but I haven't updated.

And I'm not really going to write something now either. It's too late... I will at some point.

Fri, 26th Jun. 2009, 00:27
Transformers 2: A money/time saving tip.

Don't see it. I feel duty bound to make people avoid this film.

Tonight I sat through the new Transformers film. I knew was going to be braindead rubbish, but I thought it would be braindead rubbish in a good way. Instead I may have found the worst film ever. Over two and half plodding hours, which seems odd given they've spent tons of cash on detailed CGI that is completely wasted when the transformers move so quickly. The camera work is amazingly shoddy, the dialogue dreadful, and some racism and a good bit of sexism thrown in for good measure, even all the explosions make up for nothing. Not to mention wanting to shout "MATT DAMON!" Team America stylee at one of the army dudes. The film is so bad, I'm almost tempted to download it, cut it down to 10 minutes, redub it, change the soundtrack, and let it loose on the internet claiming it's the proper version, that is how dire it is.

Fri, 26th Jun. 2009, 00:19
Tum Tee Tum.

Fri, 12th Jun. 2009, 22:01

I have found THE BEST game ever. PLANTS vs. ZOMBIES (and you can even get it on the Mac!) - 1 hour Demo here: http://static.popcap.com/newsletters/pvz_early.php

Sun, 7th Jun. 2009, 13:57

The internet is full of lies. I made a typo when I wrote that line so it read 'The internet is full o flies'. It's probably not far off the truth, if you connect headphones to your co-ax or telephone line you can hear them buzzing away. Really you can, either that or it's someone gathering information about you and your habits and they're using the flies as spies. Why am I rambling about flies, I'm not entirely sure. I'm in a rambly-follow-my-thoughts kind of mood today.

I could write about how I re-discovered cheese on toast a few of weeks ago but that's not very interesting, though it is funny how you can manage to forget about the existance of some things? I haven't forgotten about LJ, I do forget about it first thing when I walk into work, when my brain should be working and have vaguely entertaining ideas for posts.

That all reminds me of sleep, and I was cleaning up my hard drive last night. Earlier this week I reinstalled XP with Server 2008, hoping use it as a decent workstation O/S like Vista without crappy Aero and a far superior back end. This went wrong when the internet lied to me about an 'activation' tool, that ended up not working. So I went back to XP and thought I really must start clearing up the files on my hard drive and ditch some of the crap. I came across a while pile of PDF files I'd grabbed about a year ago and had never read about Lucid Dreaming. So I went through a few of them last night.

So before bedtime I told myself I was going to have dreams and lots of them, I was also going to remember them AND I was going to become lucid at one point. Believe it or not all of this worked. It worked very well too. I can also place where events in reality placed themselves into the dream world which I find vaguely amusing.

The first one I rememeber was being stuck in a train at Haymarket and having to sleep on it until the morning (I got stuck on a train in Haymarket tunnel for over half an hour last week) and the face of my watch had fallen off leaving the strap and a couple of tiny hands but no mechanism, just spinning round. (This week my amethyst pendant that I usually wear had became detached somewhere on the way to work last week and it hasn't appeared). I'm sure I was supposed to be going to do something like meeting someone or going to work but I have no idea what.

The next one had me in a car with loads of other very slow moving cars all going down through some quite open woods to a beach, the cars were twos, but I remember turning to whoever was driving and saying let's just turn round and go. As some horror film type massacre was going to happen (must've been that film trailer I saw on TV last night). At this point I realised I was lucid, however this lasted all of a couple of minutes, forgot I was lucid and the dream continued with me getting out of the car and running up an incline and the having no power being my punch when trying to hit the freaky nasty bloke who was following me in the face.

The dream drifted into another seperate dream with my chasing someone I don't know, round lamposts in a street next to the sea (no idea where), in some form of children's game. (I was playing CounterStrike Source earlier, the movement, etc was very similar in places). Also a couple of my rats Minstrel and Lucy on the loose. I seemed to have the power to wave my hand at doors, windows and curtains and they would open. Then more of my rats seemed to appear under a living room scene, but in the street, and then loads of baby rats appeared too. With me thinking, oh dear, I can't look after ALL of these!

All fun, weird and quite enjoyable. I forgot what fun dreams are when you can rememeber them!

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